New Blog.

I've moved here...

Life by death.

Fear.

Knowing pain is coming.

Knowing he must face this pain.

In order to bring life.

He was created for this.

It is his despair and joy.

The breath taken from his lips as another nail dug in.

The sweat rolling down his face.

The uncomfort of it.

The final pain.

The final second.

The final breath.

Death.

Fear.

Knowing pain is coming.

Knowing she must face this pain.

In order to bring life.

She was created for this.

It is her despair and joy.

The breath taken from her lips as another contraction dug in.

The sweat rolling down her face.

The uncomort of it.

The final pain.

The final second.

The first breath.

Life.

I have so many questions and it seems the more I ask the more get added… my mind might break the scale if it was weighed.

‘It feels like yesterday’ is probably one of my least favorite sentences. I know how legitimate of a feeling it is and I understand, I really do. I just don’t like how often it’s used. I wish I had different wording but... alas, I am experiencing it feels like yesterday. The freshness, the beginning; and having it feel so close that you can’t imagine months or years having gone by. A strong remembrance, the time stopping kind. The sorta wish I were back there kind. The can’t believe it’s now kind.

I’m not sure what your ‘it’ is but I bet that you can identify with me.

Time freaks me out. Things change as it goes on, it doesn’t end or stop. You can’t get more after it leaves but the supply is everlasting. And you’re going forward in it… it’s there… but you cant touch, change, move or control it. In fact, it does those things to you… (how unfair!)

I don’t want things to feel over or far away… or from yesterday. But every time the sun disappears so do the things it shone light on. Only memories now. Only thoughts and words and pictures. I can only live for this. day. now. And the way I choose to live this day now will in every way effect tomorrow when it becomes my today… and soon today will be gone forever.

I'm sorry, I may be rambling, but... this is just blowing my mind.

I avoided him on principle: he enjoyed everything I disapproved of, and disliked my ingenuous diversions.

Winter for a bit. Chilly toes and fingers. Hot water bottles are genius. Thankful for the purchase of several scarves while living in summer places. Enjoying a bit of in between time in Wollongong, Australia with Ash before returning home.

Currently: Charging ipod, printing maps, throwin some stuff in a bag. Got ma sweats and a hoodie and we're off to Brisbane in a few hours. This afternoon I tried out driving on the left side of the road - messes with my head a wee bit but after some practice it's not so bad! Ladies and gentleman it is time for a road trip.

Ya know the times you can feel your heart beating in completely random places in your body? This happened to me as I was reading in bed the other day; my head was leaning against the pillow, knees bent, left leg over the right, bobbing up and down. I stopped the bobbing and there it was, my heart beat all the way down in my leg… pulse creating the slightest movement. Then there are headache times. Throbbing, pulsating explosions. Heart meets head in pain and confrontation, the reminder of life in the midst of hurting.

As little girls my sister and I would lay in bed and take turns putting our ear to the other’s stomach, as she would wiggle it, right after drinking a full glass of water. We’d listen to the weird noises the liquid made in our insides. When our bellies could handle no more we would exchange giggles for the last time and drift off to sleep; but just before I could hold my eyelids open one second longer I could feel the beating of my heart deep in my belly and see the movement of the thump come all the way to my skin. And right now if you get up and do 10 jumping jacks or pushups or run around the room 5 times, sit down, hold your breath and be still… you can feel and almost hear your own heart beating.

It's like our bodies are reminding us all the time, 'FEEL HOW ALIVE YOU ARE... don't forget.'

We were created for life - beautiful life. After seeing the beginning of so many I cannot deny this thing inside of me that reaches to such fullness at realizing the intense value of every life. And what it really means to be 'delivered.' Yes delivered, as in at the moment of every baby's entrance into the world, but later too, when the baby isn't a baby anymore.

We are all twice delivered. We just have to choose the second one.

‘Lullaby for the baby king.’

Each time she talks about Jed another piece of the sketch in my mind is shaded in. Slowly, over this year, her words have allowed me to create the outline and another bit is added each time a new sentence about him hits my ears. I’ll never fully understand but today hearing Louise sing the song she wrote made something inside of me break. And tears came. Despite all the hell I’ve seen at Modern Government Maternity Hospital, my tear ducts have been dammed these past weeks… it felt so good when the drops dripped down my cheeks as I blinked. A song about what it would be like to be at the birth of Jesus, she was to perform for the Mongolian church on Christmas day sixteen years ago. She hadn’t though. The reason is because on Christmas Eve morning her seven-month-old baby boy stopped breathing. Jedediah died, the reason unknown. This was the first time she sang the song since. Honored to know such a woman.