I avoided him on principle: he enjoyed everything I disapproved of, and disliked my ingenuous diversions.

Winter for a bit. Chilly toes and fingers. Hot water bottles are genius. Thankful for the purchase of several scarves while living in summer places. Enjoying a bit of in between time in Wollongong, Australia with Ash before returning home.

Currently: Charging ipod, printing maps, throwin some stuff in a bag. Got ma sweats and a hoodie and we're off to Brisbane in a few hours. This afternoon I tried out driving on the left side of the road - messes with my head a wee bit but after some practice it's not so bad! Ladies and gentleman it is time for a road trip.

Ya know the times you can feel your heart beating in completely random places in your body? This happened to me as I was reading in bed the other day; my head was leaning against the pillow, knees bent, left leg over the right, bobbing up and down. I stopped the bobbing and there it was, my heart beat all the way down in my leg… pulse creating the slightest movement. Then there are headache times. Throbbing, pulsating explosions. Heart meets head in pain and confrontation, the reminder of life in the midst of hurting.

As little girls my sister and I would lay in bed and take turns putting our ear to the other’s stomach, as she would wiggle it, right after drinking a full glass of water. We’d listen to the weird noises the liquid made in our insides. When our bellies could handle no more we would exchange giggles for the last time and drift off to sleep; but just before I could hold my eyelids open one second longer I could feel the beating of my heart deep in my belly and see the movement of the thump come all the way to my skin. And right now if you get up and do 10 jumping jacks or pushups or run around the room 5 times, sit down, hold your breath and be still… you can feel and almost hear your own heart beating.

It's like our bodies are reminding us all the time, 'FEEL HOW ALIVE YOU ARE... don't forget.'

We were created for life - beautiful life. After seeing the beginning of so many I cannot deny this thing inside of me that reaches to such fullness at realizing the intense value of every life. And what it really means to be 'delivered.' Yes delivered, as in at the moment of every baby's entrance into the world, but later too, when the baby isn't a baby anymore.

We are all twice delivered. We just have to choose the second one.

‘Lullaby for the baby king.’

Each time she talks about Jed another piece of the sketch in my mind is shaded in. Slowly, over this year, her words have allowed me to create the outline and another bit is added each time a new sentence about him hits my ears. I’ll never fully understand but today hearing Louise sing the song she wrote made something inside of me break. And tears came. Despite all the hell I’ve seen at Modern Government Maternity Hospital, my tear ducts have been dammed these past weeks… it felt so good when the drops dripped down my cheeks as I blinked. A song about what it would be like to be at the birth of Jesus, she was to perform for the Mongolian church on Christmas day sixteen years ago. She hadn’t though. The reason is because on Christmas Eve morning her seven-month-old baby boy stopped breathing. Jedediah died, the reason unknown. This was the first time she sang the song since. Honored to know such a woman.

India? Are you there?

It’s given me perspective and strength, fear has. I find beauty in running and pushing and giving out of a tad bit of fear. If there’s no fear then I can’t learn to trust. If there’s no fear then it’s all too easy. If there’s no fear then you can’t change me. And I’m desperate for change; I’m to that point. These lows, these valleys have taught me to be desperate and for that I am thankful.

I find it hard to write about what I am living now. Be patient with me.. someday soon I will tell of India's wonders and challenges. The way it opened me and made me see life differently. I'm finding it difficult to put my experiences into words... there's just so much. I will find a way, I'm confident of that, because I'm determined not to loose this - but the search, this time, will take a different kind of effort. It's easy to write about the lovely, nice things that I see but there is also the stench of death that lingers and that has effected me differently here. Turning inward, becoming numb, realizing that's not okay. I'm in the process of allowing my spirits blood circulation to get going again.

The heart.

Pumping, pumping blood. It’s different to see than to hear. Hearing has been the dominant sense that has passed the message to my brain that there is, in fact, a living human inside of this woman; but today the eye saw what the ear has heard all these months. Ultrasound. The ear and eye now have a little glimpse, or listen, if you will, into the others job as a body part.

It’s odd sometimes to be able to actually see the heart pounding through a freshly born baby’s chest, as if it’s going to pop through the skin and continue pumping down the ward hallway and out of the door. So full of life and feeling that it just cannot wait until it grows up to see the world!

When all of a sudden there is a baby in my hands, I have to think - how did it ever fit in there?! Maybe as soon as the body is fully out, in that first instant, it grows the slightest measure and that is what fools the eye, cause you can’t see it growing that itty bit but you KNOW it couldn’t have fit in there only a second ago. Yea, I’m convinced that’s what happens. It’s continually mind blowing.

Some favs from Tanzania..

Capturing smiles...

Labor room shoes? check. Pockets bulging? check. Ready for a day at Temeke.

Line em up!

Stella Arien - Born on my brothers birthday, February 18th! My 14th delivery.

The magic of Zanzibar:

The last little love that I delivered in Tanzania, Leanna Sunshine - March 11th, 2010, my 18th delivery. Quite an eventful birth. Ask for the details if you dare!

Heading off to India with this bunch of crazies!