New Blog.

I've moved here...

Life by death.

Fear.

Knowing pain is coming.

Knowing he must face this pain.

In order to bring life.

He was created for this.

It is his despair and joy.

The breath taken from his lips as another nail dug in.

The sweat rolling down his face.

The uncomfort of it.

The final pain.

The final second.

The final breath.

Death.

Fear.

Knowing pain is coming.

Knowing she must face this pain.

In order to bring life.

She was created for this.

It is her despair and joy.

The breath taken from her lips as another contraction dug in.

The sweat rolling down her face.

The uncomort of it.

The final pain.

The final second.

The first breath.

Life.

I have so many questions and it seems the more I ask the more get added… my mind might break the scale if it was weighed.

‘It feels like yesterday’ is probably one of my least favorite sentences. I know how legitimate of a feeling it is and I understand, I really do. I just don’t like how often it’s used. I wish I had different wording but... alas, I am experiencing it feels like yesterday. The freshness, the beginning; and having it feel so close that you can’t imagine months or years having gone by. A strong remembrance, the time stopping kind. The sorta wish I were back there kind. The can’t believe it’s now kind.

I’m not sure what your ‘it’ is but I bet that you can identify with me.

Time freaks me out. Things change as it goes on, it doesn’t end or stop. You can’t get more after it leaves but the supply is everlasting. And you’re going forward in it… it’s there… but you cant touch, change, move or control it. In fact, it does those things to you… (how unfair!)

I don’t want things to feel over or far away… or from yesterday. But every time the sun disappears so do the things it shone light on. Only memories now. Only thoughts and words and pictures. I can only live for this. day. now. And the way I choose to live this day now will in every way effect tomorrow when it becomes my today… and soon today will be gone forever.

I'm sorry, I may be rambling, but... this is just blowing my mind.

I avoided him on principle: he enjoyed everything I disapproved of, and disliked my ingenuous diversions.

Winter for a bit. Chilly toes and fingers. Hot water bottles are genius. Thankful for the purchase of several scarves while living in summer places. Enjoying a bit of in between time in Wollongong, Australia with Ash before returning home.

Currently: Charging ipod, printing maps, throwin some stuff in a bag. Got ma sweats and a hoodie and we're off to Brisbane in a few hours. This afternoon I tried out driving on the left side of the road - messes with my head a wee bit but after some practice it's not so bad! Ladies and gentleman it is time for a road trip.

Ya know the times you can feel your heart beating in completely random places in your body? This happened to me as I was reading in bed the other day; my head was leaning against the pillow, knees bent, left leg over the right, bobbing up and down. I stopped the bobbing and there it was, my heart beat all the way down in my leg… pulse creating the slightest movement. Then there are headache times. Throbbing, pulsating explosions. Heart meets head in pain and confrontation, the reminder of life in the midst of hurting.

As little girls my sister and I would lay in bed and take turns putting our ear to the other’s stomach, as she would wiggle it, right after drinking a full glass of water. We’d listen to the weird noises the liquid made in our insides. When our bellies could handle no more we would exchange giggles for the last time and drift off to sleep; but just before I could hold my eyelids open one second longer I could feel the beating of my heart deep in my belly and see the movement of the thump come all the way to my skin. And right now if you get up and do 10 jumping jacks or pushups or run around the room 5 times, sit down, hold your breath and be still… you can feel and almost hear your own heart beating.

It's like our bodies are reminding us all the time, 'FEEL HOW ALIVE YOU ARE... don't forget.'

We were created for life - beautiful life. After seeing the beginning of so many I cannot deny this thing inside of me that reaches to such fullness at realizing the intense value of every life. And what it really means to be 'delivered.' Yes delivered, as in at the moment of every baby's entrance into the world, but later too, when the baby isn't a baby anymore.

We are all twice delivered. We just have to choose the second one.

‘Lullaby for the baby king.’

Each time she talks about Jed another piece of the sketch in my mind is shaded in. Slowly, over this year, her words have allowed me to create the outline and another bit is added each time a new sentence about him hits my ears. I’ll never fully understand but today hearing Louise sing the song she wrote made something inside of me break. And tears came. Despite all the hell I’ve seen at Modern Government Maternity Hospital, my tear ducts have been dammed these past weeks… it felt so good when the drops dripped down my cheeks as I blinked. A song about what it would be like to be at the birth of Jesus, she was to perform for the Mongolian church on Christmas day sixteen years ago. She hadn’t though. The reason is because on Christmas Eve morning her seven-month-old baby boy stopped breathing. Jedediah died, the reason unknown. This was the first time she sang the song since. Honored to know such a woman.

India? Are you there?

It’s given me perspective and strength, fear has. I find beauty in running and pushing and giving out of a tad bit of fear. If there’s no fear then I can’t learn to trust. If there’s no fear then it’s all too easy. If there’s no fear then you can’t change me. And I’m desperate for change; I’m to that point. These lows, these valleys have taught me to be desperate and for that I am thankful.

I find it hard to write about what I am living now. Be patient with me.. someday soon I will tell of India's wonders and challenges. The way it opened me and made me see life differently. I'm finding it difficult to put my experiences into words... there's just so much. I will find a way, I'm confident of that, because I'm determined not to loose this - but the search, this time, will take a different kind of effort. It's easy to write about the lovely, nice things that I see but there is also the stench of death that lingers and that has effected me differently here. Turning inward, becoming numb, realizing that's not okay. I'm in the process of allowing my spirits blood circulation to get going again.

The heart.

Pumping, pumping blood. It’s different to see than to hear. Hearing has been the dominant sense that has passed the message to my brain that there is, in fact, a living human inside of this woman; but today the eye saw what the ear has heard all these months. Ultrasound. The ear and eye now have a little glimpse, or listen, if you will, into the others job as a body part.

It’s odd sometimes to be able to actually see the heart pounding through a freshly born baby’s chest, as if it’s going to pop through the skin and continue pumping down the ward hallway and out of the door. So full of life and feeling that it just cannot wait until it grows up to see the world!

When all of a sudden there is a baby in my hands, I have to think - how did it ever fit in there?! Maybe as soon as the body is fully out, in that first instant, it grows the slightest measure and that is what fools the eye, cause you can’t see it growing that itty bit but you KNOW it couldn’t have fit in there only a second ago. Yea, I’m convinced that’s what happens. It’s continually mind blowing.

Some favs from Tanzania..

Capturing smiles...

Labor room shoes? check. Pockets bulging? check. Ready for a day at Temeke.

Line em up!

Stella Arien - Born on my brothers birthday, February 18th! My 14th delivery.

The magic of Zanzibar:

The last little love that I delivered in Tanzania, Leanna Sunshine - March 11th, 2010, my 18th delivery. Quite an eventful birth. Ask for the details if you dare!

Heading off to India with this bunch of crazies!

RANDOM BRAIN.

Current Listen - Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan.

Current Read - The Tale of Desperaux by Kate Dicamillo.

I traveled to Zanzibar last week. In this new place I saw many bikes begging to be ridden, many doors longing to be walked through. I had visions of riding one of the bikes through one of the doors… and ending up in another world or outer space or something cool like that. Then I thought of the scene from The Wizard of Oz when the crazy neighbor lady is riding her bike with the basket on the back and laughing creepishly, threatening to take Toto. She’ll never get her hands on Toto, Aunty Em wouldn’t let it happen.

The geckos that chill out on the walls are pretty cute. Today I saw maybe the smallest one in existence; I think he must have been just born. His eyes were humongous and he ran away before I could catch him. I think it would be sort of fun to have a tail and be able to blend into the color of the thing I was sitting on right then, but I wonder if geckos feel sad that they get overlooked as something else. I’m sure they’re grateful for their gift, though. Or maybe they have to learn to be grateful, just like us. It’s possible that most are quite happy but there’s a special one who really wishes he could be seen or heard. He’s probably got great ideas and adventurous tendencies and is a disgrace to the gecko community. That’s usually how the story goes… I have no doubts that he will find his way in this wide world.

I’ve had a few revelations in the past couple of weeks. One of them is about the capacity of the mind; maybe cause I’m reading The Lord of the Rings and once every few chapters I stop and remember that Middle Earth doesn’t exist. J.R.R. Tolkien brought life to an entire world, whole people groups and languages, full history of their existence and lineage. There are actual history books written about middle earth, maps and movies, all about a place that physically does not exist. In these moments I give huge props to God for doing it for real, creating stuff from nothing. It’s one of my favorite things about this God, this lover. The creativity behind it all… gives me the urge to create.

Today I caught a baby girl and named her Juniper. Cord around the neck once, slipped that sucker over the shoulders as the body came out. Jun gave a nice big cry at about 2 minutes. Asante Mungu na karibu kidogo wakike! Thank you God and welcome little girl!

Last few days in Tanzania, Africa. Doing the usual ya know? Saying goodbye, preparing for the next thing, packing. Searching for a way to correctly remember the experiences I’ve had, soaking in the lasts of everything. My eyes have shed many tears for this place and the people in it over the past six months; tears of anger, love, injustice, honor. I feel them coming now… the investment, the exposure, allowing myself to be changed by it all, wanting so badly to understand. And then understanding, slowly so slowly understanding. Just beginning to. Feeling a little bit right in a place so completely different than I have ever known. We had a rough start, Africa, but could you believe me when I say I’ve fallen in love with you?

Adventure - An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous experience or activity.

“She heard drawers shutting and opening, doors creaking, and boxes being pulled out from under beds. “What are they doing?” she wondered. “What will happen next?” Very still she lay in her soft little bed with her familiar belongings about her: her postage stamp view of Rio harbor; her silver pig off a charm bracelet; her turquoise ring, which sometimes, for fun, she would wear as a crown, and, dearest of all, her floating ladies with the golden trumpets, tooting above their peaceful town. She did not want to loose these, she realized suddenly, lying there straight and still in bed, but to have all the other things as well, adventure and safety mixed --- that’s what she wanted. And that (the restless banging’s and whisperings told her) is just what you couldn’t do.” -The Borrowers

I’m learning about risks; they involve possibly loosing in some way… but could cause other things to be gained as well. Maybe things unseen? Just maybe. And fear… and what it looks like to give that up and just jump. There are moments where I want, desperately, for adventure and safety to be one in the same. I wish they understood each other and maybe tried to work together. But mostly I just want to live bigger and I see that in order to live to the fullness that I was created for… I must risk. I don’t exactly know what that looks like with some things but I do know that adventure is what I seek. I want to learn from everything I see! I don’t want to shut out what’s right in front of me. Africa, teach me. India, show me. Australia, open my eyes! Help me become a better Lindsay…

I’m so in love with life.

ANC

Antenatal Care.

Took lots of blood pressures, pulses, temperatures and respirations today. Listened to many fetal heartbeats. Practiced my Kiswahili.

I did a palpation (feeling mama’s belly for the position and lie of the baby) on Zelma Selemani and the baby kicked back! I felt the head and it was ballotteable (moved/wiggled back and forth between the pressure of my thumb and fingers guiding it side to side.) Either baby didn’t appreciate being moved around or he just wanted to say ‘Hey Mzungu!’ (white person). Palpating bellies is one of my favorite things about antenatal care. Usually the baby doesn’t kick back – but this little guy was energetic!

Then there was Miriam Saidi. She was PRE-CIOUS. It didn’t seem like she was in labor at all cause she just kept smiling at me so hugely. I think maybe because I was talking to her in Kiswahili. Tanzanians get a kick out of mzungu’s practicing their language. “Jina lango Lindsay, na toka Americani. Wewe na mtoto nzuri sana Miriam!” (My name is Lindsay, I’m from America. You and your baby are doing very well Miriam!)

Nuru Mohamedi was feeling kazungu zungu (dizzy) and she let me massage her lower back… I asked if I could pray for her and knew she didn’t know what I said, but I think she understood when I put my hand on her belly and closed my eyes to speak out life. I saw her yesterday as well. I sat with her for a while and helped her through contractions and filled out her partograph. Hoping for a good delivery and that I wont see her tomorrow because that will mean she’ll have been there for almost four days! Baby come soon!

Salma Juma had some major swelling of the legs and feet going on. She could hardly walk. I wheeled her down to ultra sound so they could get a further look because she wasn’t having labor pains but she was having serious leg pain. The hospital rarely does ultra sounds for pregnant mama’s because it’s expensive so this was my first time going. The ultra sound tech. proposed to me… about a monthly occurrence for your average white girl here. “Um haha, no thanks – haven’t even known you a whole minute. It works a little differently in America, buddy.” Made for some fun conversation. Wheeled Salma back and tried to make her comfortable on a bed she had to share with another woman. Again – praying for a good delivery and recovery for Salma.

These are four women out of the twenty or so that I see every day in the 4 hours of being in the hospital. Sometimes it’s overwhelming with the lack of resources. I don’t know where to find more staff to work or how to get enough oxytocin and cord clamps so the moms don’t have to bring their own… but I do know how to be with one woman at a time and try my best to give her proper care and value in that moment.

Next week I’m in the labor ward where all the action is. But I’m realizing there is so much more to this than simply catching babies…

Works produced by faith.

Labor prompted by love.

Endurance inspired by hope.

1 Thess. Ch.1 v.3