‘Lullaby for the baby king.’

Each time she talks about Jed another piece of the sketch in my mind is shaded in. Slowly, over this year, her words have allowed me to create the outline and another bit is added each time a new sentence about him hits my ears. I’ll never fully understand but today hearing Louise sing the song she wrote made something inside of me break. And tears came. Despite all the hell I’ve seen at Modern Government Maternity Hospital, my tear ducts have been dammed these past weeks… it felt so good when the drops dripped down my cheeks as I blinked. A song about what it would be like to be at the birth of Jesus, she was to perform for the Mongolian church on Christmas day sixteen years ago. She hadn’t though. The reason is because on Christmas Eve morning her seven-month-old baby boy stopped breathing. Jedediah died, the reason unknown. This was the first time she sang the song since. Honored to know such a woman.

India? Are you there?

It’s given me perspective and strength, fear has. I find beauty in running and pushing and giving out of a tad bit of fear. If there’s no fear then I can’t learn to trust. If there’s no fear then it’s all too easy. If there’s no fear then you can’t change me. And I’m desperate for change; I’m to that point. These lows, these valleys have taught me to be desperate and for that I am thankful.

I find it hard to write about what I am living now. Be patient with me.. someday soon I will tell of India's wonders and challenges. The way it opened me and made me see life differently. I'm finding it difficult to put my experiences into words... there's just so much. I will find a way, I'm confident of that, because I'm determined not to loose this - but the search, this time, will take a different kind of effort. It's easy to write about the lovely, nice things that I see but there is also the stench of death that lingers and that has effected me differently here. Turning inward, becoming numb, realizing that's not okay. I'm in the process of allowing my spirits blood circulation to get going again.