Each time she talks about Jed another piece of the sketch in my mind is shaded in. Slowly, over this year, her words have allowed me to create the outline and another bit is added each time a new sentence about him hits my ears. I’ll never fully understand but today hearing Louise sing the song she wrote made something inside of me break. And tears came. Despite all the hell I’ve seen at Modern Government Maternity Hospital, my tear ducts have been dammed these past weeks… it felt so good when the drops dripped down my cheeks as I blinked. A song about what it would be like to be at the birth of Jesus, she was to perform for the Mongolian church on Christmas day sixteen years ago. She hadn’t though. The reason is because on Christmas Eve morning her seven-month-old baby boy stopped breathing. Jedediah died, the reason unknown. This was the first time she sang the song since. Honored to know such a woman.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
India? Are you there?
I find it hard to write about what I am living now. Be patient with me.. someday soon I will tell of India's wonders and challenges. The way it opened me and made me see life differently. I'm finding it difficult to put my experiences into words... there's just so much. I will find a way, I'm confident of that, because I'm determined not to loose this - but the search, this time, will take a different kind of effort. It's easy to write about the lovely, nice things that I see but there is also the stench of death that lingers and that has effected me differently here. Turning inward, becoming numb, realizing that's not okay. I'm in the process of allowing my spirits blood circulation to get going again.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The heart.
Pumping, pumping blood. It’s different to see than to hear. Hearing has been the dominant sense that has passed the message to my brain that there is, in fact, a living human inside of this woman; but today the eye saw what the ear has heard all these months. Ultrasound. The ear and eye now have a little glimpse, or listen, if you will, into the others job as a body part.
It’s odd sometimes to be able to actually see the heart pounding through a freshly born baby’s chest, as if it’s going to pop through the skin and continue pumping down the ward hallway and out of the door. So full of life and feeling that it just cannot wait until it grows up to see the world!
When all of a sudden there is a baby in my hands, I have to think - how did it ever fit in there?! Maybe as soon as the body is fully out, in that first instant, it grows the slightest measure and that is what fools the eye, cause you can’t see it growing that itty bit but you KNOW it couldn’t have fit in there only a second ago. Yea, I’m convinced that’s what happens. It’s continually mind blowing.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Some favs from Tanzania..
Saturday, March 12, 2011
RANDOM BRAIN.
Current Listen - Skeleton Bones by John Mark McMillan.
Current Read - The Tale of Desperaux by Kate Dicamillo.
I traveled to Zanzibar last week. In this new place I saw many bikes begging to be ridden, many doors longing to be walked through. I had visions of riding one of the bikes through one of the doors… and ending up in another world or outer space or something cool like that. Then I thought of the scene from The Wizard of Oz when the crazy neighbor lady is riding her bike with the basket on the back and laughing creepishly, threatening to take Toto. She’ll never get her hands on Toto, Aunty Em wouldn’t let it happen.
The geckos that chill out on the walls are pretty cute. Today I saw maybe the smallest one in existence; I think he must have been just born. His eyes were humongous and he ran away before I could catch him. I think it would be sort of fun to have a tail and be able to blend into the color of the thing I was sitting on right then, but I wonder if geckos feel sad that they get overlooked as something else. I’m sure they’re grateful for their gift, though. Or maybe they have to learn to be grateful, just like us. It’s possible that most are quite happy but there’s a special one who really wishes he could be seen or heard. He’s probably got great ideas and adventurous tendencies and is a disgrace to the gecko community. That’s usually how the story goes… I have no doubts that he will find his way in this wide world.
I’ve had a few revelations in the past couple of weeks. One of them is about the capacity of the mind; maybe cause I’m reading The Lord of the Rings and once every few chapters I stop and remember that Middle Earth doesn’t exist. J.R.R. Tolkien brought life to an entire world, whole people groups and languages, full history of their existence and lineage. There are actual history books written about middle earth, maps and movies, all about a place that physically does not exist. In these moments I give huge props to God for doing it for real, creating stuff from nothing. It’s one of my favorite things about this God, this lover. The creativity behind it all… gives me the urge to create.
Today I caught a baby girl and named her Juniper. Cord around the neck once, slipped that sucker over the shoulders as the body came out. Jun gave a nice big cry at about 2 minutes. Asante Mungu na karibu kidogo wakike! Thank you God and welcome little girl!
Last few days in Tanzania, Africa. Doing the usual ya know? Saying goodbye, preparing for the next thing, packing. Searching for a way to correctly remember the experiences I’ve had, soaking in the lasts of everything. My eyes have shed many tears for this place and the people in it over the past six months; tears of anger, love, injustice, honor. I feel them coming now… the investment, the exposure, allowing myself to be changed by it all, wanting so badly to understand. And then understanding, slowly so slowly understanding. Just beginning to. Feeling a little bit right in a place so completely different than I have ever known. We had a rough start, Africa, but could you believe me when I say I’ve fallen in love with you?
