one week.

a cold week.

a scarf and winter coat week.

a wedding week.

one whole week that i slept in a big fluffy bed and ate lots of delicious things and saw my people. and then on one of the days, the thursday actually, my best friend got married. and that is really the whole point of the cold, scarf, winter coat, wedding week. i loved it. congratulations sarah and cub! best friend weddings are the greatest kind of weddings. it went entirely too fast and a week is rarely enough but sometimes it's all that's there. im thankful for it.

my nights and days are basically back to normal... cept i leave tomorrow and they'll get all out of order again. but it's totally worth it. staying up late with tons of energy makes me feel... super-human. like a vampire or something. hah. i thought of twilight... how sick.

today i went to walmart for some last minute stuff before my flight tomorrow. i needed tooth paste; so i went to the tooth paste aisle. i've been there so many times before but this time i seriously despised it. why does there have to be so many? i was so overwhelmed! i didn't even know where to start... i was lost in a sea of tooth paste. in that moment i had a really hard time with the fact that my culture lives and moves and breathes surrounded by excess and plenty and often times too much. i mean... having a choice between which tooth paste you want is fine, nothing wrong with that. but think about it - it's someone's job to come up with a cooler more attractive toothpaste that you and i will buy. how does that help the world? seriously people TOOTH PASTE! if you're in the tooth paste business you should feel shame right now...

just kidding. thats not my point. maybe when i come home to America and her ways ill see the art in getting to chose the right most perfect tooth paste... but right now it just seems a little unnecessary.

i'm ready for the simplicity of Tanzania. and i anticipate the newness of india. six months is about to happen. its just me and my back pack again; if it doesn't fit it doesn't come. and we shall begin anew...

more to come soon.

Beginnings.

To my left cockroach crawling on wall. To my right clothing hanging on line strung from window bars. In front two classmates doing Pilates. Nothing worth mentioning from the back.

My world has become consumed with babies. And I find that I like it. But Tanzania has taught me this time, not America. What will happen when I return to America and her ways? I wonder what she’ll think of me.

Hospital.

Beginnings.

Could this be right?

It is right.

There were two infant deaths today. When I walked into the hospital there was a little girl wrapped up. Later there was a tiny, tiny baby boy who was came very early. Too early. It has been an odd processing journey. My first reaction is why? But I know that will never get answered so I move on to how? If that doesn’t get answered it’s on to what do I do? Where do I fit into this equation?

There is rarely proper time to do anything at the hospital, but mourning the death of a precious baby is important. I try to make space. I imagine I’m in an empty room where it’s me, Jesus and the baby. He’s holding her and tears are just coming… he can’t finish her story. He had it all planned out and only got to just finish the cover page. The inside pages will be blank. His creative father heart is denied. It’s a crude reality… this thing. Death. We were never created to handle it. We weren’t made to loose in that way. My mind can’t comprehend any of it. I hate it. But I can’t get rid of it… some days it’s all around me. Confrontation of the worst sort. Stemming from lack of… what? Prayer? Medical supplies? Timing? But that’s not fair. I just don’t understand.

And life at the same time. Healthy, breathing, thriving babies. Why this one and not that one? How can this be reality? My job is to commit little tiny brand new beings to Jesus… and now I realize that that means breathing or not breathing. Heart beat or no heart beat. God grants grace… and I cling to the hope that he hears my prayers and will breath life into the lifeless little ones. And when control is stripped away from me he grants the grace to walk into that hospital tomorrow and face another day.

“Hope is not a ball and chain that we drag around, but it is of utmost value because it carries us through the darkness and tells us that a brighter day is coming. It tells us that a brighter day is coming, not because we deserve it (we don’t!), and not because we’ve earned it (we can’t!) but because God loves us, and desires to give us that brighter day. “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full,” Jesus said. I don’t for a moment pretend to understand the darkness, or to know why the valley’s can seem so incredibly low. But this I do know. The valley is not where we are meant to stay. It is a part of the journey, but it is never our destination. And the key to getting through the valley is not to abandon hope, but to hold to it with all that we have, with prayer and fasting, with tears and crying out to God because it is God Himself that we need to encounter, it is God Himself that is our hope. Our hope is really not that our prayer will be answered, though God does that too, but our hope is that we would in clinging to hope, cling to God.” -Jerry Ireland

Scribblings from the traveling journal.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2010

My mind didn’t stop after the baby was born. True, everything seemed golden and wonderful and that moment… that moment when I saw Joshua was coming… I’m quite speechless, actually. His first minute on this earth, his first breath, his first gaze at his mamma, his life. Fresh and new and perfect. I wish my mind would have stopped there but it didn’t.

Today I saw more than a baby be born. I saw into the reality of a 15 year old girl. I held her hand and propped her up when she couldn’t do it alone. I locked eyes with her scared face and saw something equally as beautiful as her precious little one. I saw Jesus. I felt his love for her as I stood there wishing so badly to do anything to help take her pain away.

Who is Joshua going to be?

How long will his innocence be kept sacred?

Will he know the Lord?

Will his Mum know how to raise him?

Will she still love him even though someday he won’t seem as precious as a newborn baby?

Will Joshua ever be able to call a man father?

There is so much more to this than I thought. I was just coming to simply deliver babies right?

A day with a midwife.

a day with a midwife from Richard Simmons on Vimeo.

do i often answer my own questions? yes.

why does life suck sometimes?

because Jesus said it would.

{James 1:2-4; 1 Peter 1:6-7}

why do i have to sacrifice sometimes?

because Jesus sacrificed everything so i could have life.

why am i surprised when things are hard?

because the world tells me that everything should be easy.

why do i choose to believe the world?

because i have an enemy who is subtle.

but he's so unoriginal.

seriously man.. i can see you comin from a mile away.

God is stronger.

do i always feel this truth? no.

does that make it any less true? no.

God is more creative.

he speaks to the individual.

he loves endlessly.

i expect hard things to happen.

does it make it any easier when they do? not much.

can i trust in a faithful God? mhm.

clinging to this truth.

this inspires me.

Breathing deep the day..

Learning. Feeling alive in it. A little bit doubtful in it. Sometimes facing the day is hard. Wondering if it will stay like this. Mmm desiring to let go of it.. To let it be a part of me. Learning to learn.

Longing for familiarity. This will become familiar soon. It's already starting. Do we get to decide what becomes familiar? I guess it's whatever we are in at the moment. I don't think wanting familiar is wrong. I just know that familiar will change for me soon. In about two months I leave for the beautiful country of Africa. And there I will experience a newness.. and that will become the new familiar. A never felt before familiar.. And in May I will be off to exciting India. And familiar will change then, too. Haha.. I really don't want to start thinking about what happens after India because I don't know. But for right now, I'm in Perth, Australia learning how to care for mother and baby. Breathing deep the day! Desiring for God to bring a familiarity of his presence. So that no matter where I am I will be familiar with his voice.. that's the kind of familiar I long for.

I like that.

Do you know the feeling.. when you're in a far away place, and you look at a picture and you put yourself in that picture and not in the far away place anymore? That happens to me every time I check my email or look at pictures on facebook. I'm sitting here in the lounge.. all the way in Australia.. but when I start reading the words.. the couch I'm sitting on disappears and so do the voices going on around me.. and the ceiling and walls turn into the beautiful landscapes of Pennsylvania. I put myself right into the picture and think about what would be going on if I were right there. And then I shut the computer and realize I'm so so far away. It's always this smack of reality. Usually I'm so busy that I can only think about it for a minute or so.. but other times it really hurts. Like I physically feel the pain of being gone all over again.. I love being in the perfect will of God.. but it's hard. It doesn't always feel wonderful and great everyday. It's a challenge sometimes to remember that this is right timing. As I continue to read my bible and pray and be here learning, God reminds me of his good plans for me. He also reminds me that its ok to miss home. Hey! I'm glad for where I came from-that's a good thing. I like that.

I think I'll go home, have some tea and read The Count of Monte Cristo until I fall asleep.

Today I am a pirate.

Is it ok to be obsessed with a band? Is it ok if you can’t help it? What if you’ve tried not to listen to them.. simply because for three months straight they were all you allowed your ears to hear? What if you tried this and it didn’t work? Is it ok to be obsessed then? I may have a problem if this is not ok. We are the outsiders.

Good morning New Zealand. Mmm gotta love the window seat.

From my Journal dated July 1^st, 2010 – Australia bound

It started to hit me yesterday as I was getting the last of my things out of the apartment… I was walking out the door when I listened and could hear Grandpa Beiler playing his guitar from his bedroom two floors up. I had stood there many times this spring, always caught off guard.. so happy to be hearing a little bit of him. I stood there and just cried.. realizing that this would be the last time for a long time. Realizing where I came from. Last night I watched home videos with mom and dad. It was so weird… seeing myself as a one year old. Needing my parents.. having no choice but to trust them. How did they let me go? Gradually, over the years.. how did they do it? And now I’m 21 and my own person. How wonderful to have parents who Love and let go.. I guess.. loving is letting go?

July 6^th, 2010

So… I’m here. I’m in Australia. How do I find it? So great. It’s cold. I will admit.. I’m sad that I’m missing PA summer. But I’m here so I will be here all the way. Winter.. winter.. yes, Lindsay it is winter. See? Ok.. yea winter is great. The people? Such a joy to be around. Yesterday we counted and there are 26 nations represented here. I love it. I’m already working on my Australian accent! G’day Mate! How ya goin? Grab a cuppa for brekkie, no worries! J My first day of class is tomorrow. I can’t really contain my excitement. Ohh.. it’s just so good to be here. After a year of praying and hoping to come. I had my doubts about coming.. I think maybe that’s what time does sometimes. When something is so far away it doesn’t seem like its for real even if you talk about it and plan on it. But here I am and thanking God for his provision and timing. And now? I will climb into my top bunk and fall asleep to A Beautiful Exchange.

More to come soon..

thinking.

Sometimes I think too much. does anybody else do that? I mean.. I have this brain and I've learned to think - but maybe I've learned to think too much. About all the details. And it's not just cause I'm a girl.. please don't pull that card on me. I really wish I could just let go..

and the thing is I'm not sure what I need to let go of.

again.. more thoughts.

We are family.

Please look at my beautiful sister. These are her senior pictures. I can't believe she's graduating from high school! The last Beiler to grace the halls of Octorara Area High.. Congrats Meg!

And here are my wonderful parents. Moving away made me so appreciate my parents. All that they do and who they are. I find myself relating to them more and more.

I now MUST take time to tell you about the Needtobreathe concert that I went to a few weeks ago. Oh man.. where do I start!? They were incredible! The cover bands were great too.. but once they started setting up for Needtobreathe the excitement really grew.. picture it with me -- the stage is dark.. they're finally set. you glance behind and see the room packed with people waiting, anticipating.. no one is on stage and you're just waiting waiting for them to walk out.. 2 minutes of nothing but darkness, and you can't picture what it will be like but you want to so bad - but as soon as it starts you know it will go so fast so you almost dont want them to walk out. You just want to stand there anticipating the first performance.. wondering what it will be like.. you hear the dull conversations going on around you and just listen and realized how much you really just can wait for.. then you see shapes appear on stage! Cheers and clapping automatically roar from the crowd and you find yourself screaming and lighting up and wanting to know them-before you even see them. No lights yet.. still darkness but know they're there.. you wait for that first drum tap or guitar strum or 1-2-3-4.. you're longing for them to start but once it starts you know there will have to be an end - you could stay in this moment forever.. just the fact that you're there and they're there.. and the first banjo strum rings out and the lights come up and you are lost in the song.. this moment has been talked about for so many weeks and now you're finally here. Ah! It's so wonderful to hear nothing but music! .. at first all you can do is just watch.. and listen.. and fall in love. Then from song to song you start singing and belting the words and dancing and.. you try to pause to take it all in - but it happens so fast. You want to take advantage of every song and not just let them roll by. You're so happy and so privileged to be there. You long to know who these people are and what drives them.. Are they really who they appear to be on stage? The energy.. where do they get it? Are they getting it from my cheers and screams and dancing? Is it saved up somewhere? Do they ever not want to walk out on that stage? Do they have a normal life? Do they know that people worship them and think they are so great? ... all i know is i didnt want that night to end. I could have danced and sang all night. Music has such an impact on me, it pulls me in and makes me see. I really really enjoy live concerts.. everything about them. The ride there.. the wait in line.. cover bands-experiencing the beginnings of their music career.. the show you've been waiting for and finding it better than you expected. The feeling of music pounding through your body.. trying desperately to find the words to describe your experience.. but realizing that there aren't any .. but thats ok because that is what makes it so personal and wonderful. When it ends.. you just want it to begin again.. rewind the night! again again! When you hear their music you'll never be the same.. you'll hear something deeper; that somehow you are now a part of. You fall in love with the music-you have no choice. It takes you away.. and leaves you with a passion for more. The music drives you and I can't explain it. You'll just have to go see for yourself.

Thoughts from a rainy day

We're moved in! Me and Sarah (Red) are currently moved in to my grandmothers basement. I'm not gonna lie-it's awesome. We come in and out as we please through the cellar doors on the side of the house. We've got our own small kitchen and the space is just perfect. We're anxiously awaiting the arrival of our third room mate Sarah (Brown) who is still in China. Come home Sar!

Roomies.

What has been going on in the past two weeks?

this..

Every Tuesday we head over to Cub's house to watch LOST/hang out. Bonfires, talks around the kitchen table (as captured in the above picture), bologna sandwiches and laughter.

Picnics! This particular one was on a cold and wet day.. bad planning on Elf and my part. So-we made do at a picnic table instead of the grass. So glad we brought blankets. Again.. more bologna sandwiches :D

Barns and Noble. I got scolded for taking pictures. After a look through of all the C.S. Lewis books I decided on The Great Divorce and Sar and I headed to the kids section to read. You just gotta read there.. there is fun all around. And sitting in those small chairs makes you feel so big.

Chasing chickens. Yessssss. After a yummy meal at grandma's Meg and I went out to get the eggs from the hen house. And chickens are just so fun to chase. And its more spiteful when you've got a basket full of their eggs. Heh heh heh.

I hope the rain ends soon so I can have a real picnic and take the dogs for a walk and chase more chickens. In the mean time I will wrap myself in a blanket and read The Silver Chair.

More to come.

Home just in time for Spring.

I am home, I am home, I am home. And it feels so good! But I don't want the experiences and memories of Thailand to go away so fast. Trying to adjust and prepare for the next thing.. but Thailand is still on God's heart. And mine.

So far being home has found me:

1- Catching up on this season of LOST. (soooo good)

2- Getting very bored. There is nothing going on in Amish Country! Looking forward to a consistent work schedule and helping out at my church.

3- Preparing to move into my grandparents basement with my best friend! Woo-hoo!

4- Taking my dogs on a walk each day. The weather is too lovely not to.

I enjoy waking up in my sunshiny yellow room, putting on a pot of coffee and talking to Jesus. I also enjoy driving again. But not the gas prices.

Who likes to read? Ok, cool because I have a load of books to recommend to you. Lets start with - Not For Sale by David Batstone. This book ruined me. Absolutely made me so mad.. and so sad and very angry. I love the information this book gives about the global slave trade, but yea.. the fact that this book is true, that stuff like this really happens. People! We have to do something about it! If you want to know how you can get involved in ending the global slave trade of our time, read this book. In fact, it's your responsibility to read this book. Once you do-let me know your thoughts. We can conjure up ideas together about how to save the world.

A bit of randomness~

don't these colors look wonderful together? Off-white mushroom and eggplant purple.

When you work at a produce stand you see things you never saw before :)

More to come!

Hello again from Thailand!

There is such wonder and excitement here everyday. This past weekend we had the honor, the privilege to spend the night in the country. On Saturday we took a truck ride up to the mountains where, from our normal housing throught the week, can only be seen in the far distance. Oh God's glory! We went with the Pastor and his wife and our translator to cut down stalks off of the banana tree to cook in todays meal. Then we walked around his feilds marveling at the creation. It took my breath away. We visited some homes in a village and experienced the greatest hospitality. The Thail culture is simply beautiful. All they had, their best was before us. I was touched and find myself with that feeling every single day. This past week we headed to a University to have lunch with some students. After about 30 minutes of conversation (us trying desperatly to learn Thai and them giggling at our attempts) they quietly conversed together and then one of them got up and scurried away only to return with pink milk for us!! Pink milk is basically it's name, it's considered a sweet treat and sweet it is! Because it is known for being super sweet she even bought us a bottled water to go with it. Again.. my heart was touched.

I love Thailand.

One struggle for me has been the early mornings. As many of you know.. I have to consciously decide to be a nice person in the morning so.. hehehe. I'm trying so hard to wake up even earlier than expected so I can get a handle on my attitude and the day. I'm learning to be disciplined in that. It's harder also when we have late nights. I'm loving the challenge! Just not when I hear my alarm go off in the morning :).

Our friends in India have been doing wonderfully! We get weekly updates from Elby (heading up team in Thailand) who is in contact with Katie (heading up team in India). It's wonderful hearing from them and all that God is doing there.

Guys.. I love Thailand. God has opened my stubborn eyes to see a part of his creation that I would have never seen had it been my choice. I am in awe of his promises and his goodness to us. I can't wait to share all of the stories, experiences and heart changes that have been going on. Please pray for more. More of God's spirit and presence. More protection and endurance. More heart changes! More eye opening moments. Ask him to give me specifically a pure heart and gracious speech. My quiet times have been sweet.. and last week this verse in Proverbs stuck out to me "He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the King for his friend." As I meditated on this passage Gods loving words spoke to me.

He who LOVES.

Being gracious means having patience.

Love the purity of your own hear, how I've changed it. How is used to be muck but now it's pure and clean and white and has my name written on it!

The King desires relationship with you and has already considered you his friend. Now choose him! And if you choose him you choose LOVE.

Grace what a lovely thing. ~Aaron Espe

Picture Time!

We've been finishing books and passing them around. Titles include: The Tale of Desperaux, Redeeming Love, The Shack, and Black. More to recomend soon!

Baby Buddah hahahaha..

This is Lichie. It sounds so close to Lindsay that everyone just calles me Lichie and laughes :D

Our Team!

I'm in LOVE with Thailand!

God's glory:

More to come soon!

The Land of the Smiles. Thailand!

A Buddist Temple

Beautiful Thailand!

Our first team breakfast!

This is Dragon Fruit.

Hello from Thailand! We are all safe and sound and have been so enjoying everything so far. We got in Friday the 9th at about 2 am! tried to get some sleep and then headed into a full day of exploring the area. The food here is GRAND, and so is walking to the market everyday for meals. There are 7/11's here! A small taste of home :)

This past Monday the 11th we started our ministry time. It's been so sweet.. I'm experiencing God like never before. This past week consisted of: Early mornings and late nights of ministry. Prayer, prayer, prayer. Walks to the market and good converstation around the table while eating. We ventured to the night market and found a star bucks, mcdonalds and haggen das along the way! Motor bikes zooming by. Quiet whispers from God. Elephants along the side of the road!! ROTEE.. a wonderful Thai dessert with fried bananas and chocolate drenched in butter. (we're all convinced we'll gain weight instead of loosing it!!) . Yummy fresh fruit. The gorgeous children that steal your heart with one look. Talking to women who are desperate for Jesus but just dont know it yet.

The heat isnt bad And guess what?! We've got hot showers! Everywhere you go western music can be heared. Today I heard Taylor Swift and Beyonce. haha. I love it here. The people are absolutely so hospitable. I'm getting used to chop sticks.

more to come!!

Oh the Wonder!

Hello Readers!

As I reflect on 2009 I realize that I have lived in three different states this year. From Texas to Pennsylvania to North Carolina. And my first two month of 2010 will be spent in Thailand.. Oh the wonder! Back to 09 - I am so thankful and grateful for a GRAND year. 09, for me, was...finishing off a fun year of school and relishing the last 6 months of time spent with my family in Texas (and missing them very much). Then for 3 months, coming back to the beautiful landscape and familiar faces of PA; Staying busy and enjoying family. And the last 3 months of 09 in North Carolina, a time full of learning and a lot of newness. New people who I now call friends. A new place to live that I now find so meaningful. New experiences that will never be forgotten and that have shaped Lindsay Beiler for the better.

Here is an update of my holiday~

Christmas break was wonderful! My friends picked me up and on our travels back up to Pennsylvania we got caught in a snowstorm and had to spend the night in a hotel! We woke up to snow covering the car! When we finally got IN the car we were on our way and made it home safe and sound :). My time home was relaxing and nice. I enjoy the smells of home and the presence of family.. but I must say, I hate the goodbyes.

Just a week from today I said a sad goodbye to Lance and Megan as they departed for PA after dropping me off in NC. This week was full of craziness as ministry time started. A different schedule than the last three months for sure. No more lecture, now it's putting everything we've learned into practice! We've done everything from raking leaves around our property to helping clean at home for women who've just gotten out of jail. And tomorrow, to my excitement, we will be spending the entire day at the crisis pregnancy center! I cannot wait.

There is one thing I don't mind saying goodbye to - the cold weather! But I have a feeling I'll be saying the same thing on my last days in Thailand's 100% humidity. My team and I leave on Thursday; but for now I sit here yet again in our big dorm room with four triple bunk beds...accept two of the triple bunk beds are empty. Half of my new friends have spentt the first day of the new year in travel to India. We've heard a report back from them saying they've arrived safely and have started their adventures off right away, leaving no time for jet lag to get in the way!

The slow packing process has begun and every time I look at my big hiking back pack I get overwhelmed with the feeling of adventure and fulfillment. 2 months in Thailand?! And later this year 6 months in Australia? And then 6 months of traveling all over?! Can it get any more exciting??

I'm ready.

For Adventure.

For Thailand.

For BED.

More coming soon!